Becoming a Carer...we wouldn't have started from here and you don't have too!

There are many assumptions about carers and the title itself carries a certain 'weight". It also makes you sound rather saintly which trust me, I am not!

Like thieves in the night carers will recognise each other, quiet nods in a mutual understanding of the emotional and physical challenges that are faced. Once I became a carer I found that I had to apologise to my own mother for my lack of empathy with the challenges she faced caring for my grandmother and then my father. Whilst I will make a sometimes futile attempt to describe what it's actually like being a carer only 24hour CCTV running in several rooms would adequately explain some of our experiences.

The role and status of carer   came upon us so gradually that at first we failed to notice the erosion of our own time and space. It started with the weekly shopping, then a little house maintenance, then prescription ordering, collection and making up and within about 3 years we were cooking all of their meals, sorting out medical issues, washing them and their clothes, putting them to bed, running their home and becoming utterly exhausted in the process. If only we had been able to negotiate or known what was coming....and this is where I will offer my first direct, practical words of advice...

If it is possible, please talk to your loved ones, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles before they become dependent. Yes I know it's tough, they may be independent and healthy now and maybe they still look after you sometimes but please sit down over a coffee/glass of something more interesting and have the 'difficult talk'. Ask them directly what they might expect from you, what they expect of themselves and most importantly; ask yourself what you are physically and mentally prepared to do and how much of your own life you are willing to forfeit. No-one really wants to consider that they could become mentally and/or physically incapable in their old age but you may be surprised to find that they have contemplated this and  did not want to bring it up for fear of upsetting you.


I cannot over emphasise the importance of trying to tackle this issue before you are in the thick of it. To start you may at the very least have to take someone to the shops and collect their prescriptions robbing you of  a few hours a week at the worst you can find yourself on call 24 hours a day attending to the personal needs of two fully grown adults.


After an extended and intense period of caring I found that  resentment had crept in and was at times overwhelming my ability to care. Trust me, it will for you too unless you have completely resigned yourself to become a carer and have willingly sacrificed all of your previous existence. We realised that we had absolutely stopped going to gigs, taking walks, seeing family and friends and enjoying the diverse hobbies that we love and share as a couple.

A large part of this frustration was born from our in-laws denial of their conditions and the ageing process. X will not admit he has dementia, sometimes you can persuade him that he is 'a little forgetful'. Y did not want to know 'anything' about her condition, literally, nothing, zero. I can see why this psychology exists,  it is a coping strategy of sorts,  put your head in the sand and maybe the horror will go away. We understood the likely outcome of their conditions but  could not persuade them to do any forward planning. We tried...we really tried.

So, at the point of near breakdown we were  forced to send them into respite care for a week. A week that probably saved our sanity and allowed us to objectively discuss the situation and make some major changes in their care. It does not have to come to this, 'you' can do things differently.

Hello, good evening, welcome...

My hope for this (sporadic) blog is that  I will be able to  catalogue some of the trials, tribulations and occasional triumphs of being a carer.

There are estimated to be between 4 and 6 million carers in the UK, unless you claim carers allowance you are unlikely to be included in any official statistics. The chances of one of you becoming a carer in one capacity or another (if you have not done this already) are quite high. If my words provide any help to any of you at any time I'd be really pleased, there is so very much that I wish we had known before.

You generally become a carer by accident, for some folks it is as a direct result of an illness being diagnosed and you have some preparation time for the experience ahead. For many, especially those caring for elderly parents, it happens insidiously. You wake up one morning and realise that the previous day you made phone calls on behalf of another person, made them tea, collected their prescriptions, did some shopping for them and worried about them when you popped out, oh blimey that sort of makes me a carer doesn't it?

More of this later...

I should perhaps explain the title and our situation for those that do not have the full picture.
My husband and I care for his parents. His mother (we'll call her X) has Vascular Parkinson's Disease and Osteoarthritis of the spine. His father (we'll call him Y) has Vascular Dementia. Both are now in their 80's and utterly dependent on us for their health and welfare. We also run our own business and juggling these demands has at times been extremely stressful.

We are the sort of people who like to dig our holes with our own spades at our own pace and in our own style so this situation is pretty uncomfortable for us. We have taken responsibility for them, their home, their garden and to be honest, their mess.

"We wouldn't have started from here" has become a kind of mantra/short cut for us to describe how we feel about where we are. We have applied it to  social services, X and Y's attitude towards their illness and ageing, the NHS, the state of the house and garden and many other things

I'd like to help some of you start from a place that is at least partially of your own choosing.