26/11/14

We would not have finished from here.

And so, this is how nearly seven years as carers comes to a close. Today we moved X into full time residential care. This is not how we wanted this to end. We believed we would see this through and fulfill the fantasy of both of them dying in their own home.

X however had other ideas and whilst being mentally incapable of very much these days he is physically quite robust. His mother lived into her 90’s and he is 87, we saw an indeterminate future and knew we could not continue to sacrifice our own lives for this.

Over our time as carers we have neglected ourselves, not deliberately, just an inevitability. We have become much less fit, we used to surf, this requires spontaneity something entirely unavailable. Simply going for a quick walk has been nigh on impossible. We had not been to the dentist or optician in 6 years.

We have both felt a sense of failure, mainly that we can no longer meet his every day needs.

This has been the  single most  stressful, emotional and difficult decision of our lives. The vulnerable adult we have cared for so long is now entrusted into the care of strangers. The act of driving him to the home and leaving him, unimaginably tough. 

He will undoubtedly be happy, warm, safe, well fed and cared for. We are left with guilt and a sense of bereavement.

We are giving ourselves a small pat on the back though, we’ve come out of this still together, still mostly sane and with our business still running.

However, after such a long time, we do now have to discover who we were/are. We’ve likened it to PTSD, perhaps over dramatic but this experience has been all pervasive; no parts of our lives left untouched. There are support groups springing up for ex-carers now, much needed I think; imagine being a carer to the exclusion of everything else for 15 years or more, where would you start when that stops? 

Trust me, caring is a tough journey, both mentally and physically, do NOT go into this with your eyes shut.

I’ll do a follow up  post of all the useful things we have learned.

And for anyone who thinks we won’t know what to do with ourselves, we might have one or two ideas ;-)

Finally.... 

We cannot thank enough the family and friends and professionals who have supported us through this. For those who have provided a listening ear and not minded when we talked of little else, you helped us through the bad times. For those who sent us messages of support, cards and gifts. For those that did not mind when we could not attend their wedding, funeral, birthday party etc but did not stop inviting us. For those that stepped up to the plate in  practical way, sitting with X, lending a hand with the house, garden or truck.
We thank you.

Post script 03/12/14
We went to visit X for the first time today. He was clean, safe, warm, well fed and happy. He was entertaining two old ladies just as batty as him. I think we have done a very good thing but accepting this will take time.