We didn't! There were moments of course and in our own inimitable style we did our best to extract every jot of enjoyment out of it but come Boxing Day we gave in...enough of trying to fulfil someone else's expectations of the festive season.
We are painfully aware that this Christmas may be their last and have made vainglorious attempts to introduce some joy and normalcy.We decorated, shopped, cooked, drank, watched telly, pulled crackers and opened presents. Somehow this was just not enough to make this a happy occasion.
Y is fruitbat, I mean utterly batshit nowadays and whilst there have been moments of humour they have been frustratingly fleeting. When someone asks you if it's Christmas today for the 8th time the novelty soon wears off. X is just utterly broken, physically and mentally.
At the traditional Christmas dinner we sat in disposable paper crowns much like the old days but with Y shaking so violently that she can barely get the food (that we have carefully cooked and cut up into small pieces) into her mouth. Her wine no longer from a glass but a cup with a straw and she hates every single tortuous minute of it. Her discomfort is something that she seems to need to share, there are no 'lighter moments'. Joy is completely absent.
X externalises his internal monologue and talks utter nonsense continually.
This white noise now pervades everything and we are finding it increasingly difficult to find escape. Whilst the paid carers have thankfully taken the morning end evening duties we do still have to fill in the rest of the feeding, caring and medicating and take "all" of the emotional burden. At times I fear for my husbands sanity as he bears witness to his parents slow and awful decline towards death and the burden that they have placed upon him both as an only child and as a human being.
Yup, we are all dying, albeit hopefully gradually but watching this painful and slow decline of two once vibrant people is at times utterly unbearable. Their misery is all pervasive.
Our moments of escape and solace came as a direct result of us renting a beach hut for the week. Not the ideal temperature for a beach hut surely? Au contraire, it was a mini holiday and allowed us to have somewhere away from the familial home to have some fun. Number 3 in our better decisions list.
So I am sorry to bring things down a little, that is not my intent. I would like to hope that you embrace each of your family moments of joy and laughter and truly dance like no-one is watching for they are not long 'these days of wine and roses'.
Carpe diem.
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